Hate a Random Country: Costa Rica

6 Oct

One of the numerous heinous individuals populating this tainthole of a country

A few weeks ago, a member of our presteinous (that’s prestigiously heinous, if you’re wondering) blog was approached at an off-campus party and asked if we would write an installment of our unnecessarily abrasive “Hate a Random Country” series on his home country, Costa Rica. The member of the blog, who was most certainly not Evander Jones, got down from the table on which he was exuberantly belly-dancing and happily agreed to have the article written. That being said, this article is not being written only by request – it’s being written because Costa Rica is home to a massive concentration of twatitude that can be rivaled only by the Seneca Falls Convention.

“Costa Rica” is a country similar to “Democratic Republic of Congo,” in that its name in no way reflects the country itself. Spanish for “Rich Coast,” Costa Rica is truly only rich in two things: Trees and tainthood. I’ll focus mostly on the tainthood.

Red, white, and blue!? BRILLIANT!!!

For those of us who don’t give a flying fuckstick about shithole countries like Costa Rica, it may be a surprise to learn that the currency in Costa Rica is the “colón” – presumably named for either the human colon or Cristobal Colón, a.k.a. Christopher Columbus. After all, who wouldn’t want their currency named after a raging cockbottle who exploited their people? For fuck’s sake, Costa Rica. You don’t see Cherokees running around paying with Jacksons, or Northwestern’s defense running around paying with Anyones. Worse yet, the abbreviation for the Costa Rican Colón is, surprisingly enough, CRC – an acronym that, to Northwestern students, encompasses nearly all the School of Comm’s limitless atrociousness.

Besides their poorly-named currency, the country with a president named “Chinchilla” boasts many more aspects worth scrutinizing. For example, its coat of arms is the feeblest display of culture I’ve seen since Kappa Sig went to the Shedd Aquarium. The image consists of several features:

Contrary to initial beliefs, this is not a 5th Grade Social Studies project

  • A landmass.  Presumably representing Costa Rica, the landmass is a strip of land with three unnaturally phallic geographic features.
  • Two bodies of water.  Divided by the landmass, they likely represent the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.  Because clearly, Costa Rica is the only fucking country that borders two oceans.
  • Two ships.  Likely representing the Nina and the Pinta.  Or the Nina and the Santa Maria.  Or the Pinta and Santa Maria.  Or maybe just two generic coming-to-totally-fuck-your-people-over ships.
  • A banner over the top reading “America Central.”  Apparently, no one ever informed these dumbshits that it’s called “Central America.”

The only thing rivaling Costa Rica's lack of defense is the Northwestern secondary

Perhaps the most unique fact about Costa Rica is that they don’t have a military.  Yes, you heard me.  To show you the full impact of this absurdity, allow me to put it into perspective.  On Monday nights, the backdoor of the Keg is more protected than the nation of Costa Rica.  On weekend nights, Burger King’s line-forming traditions are more protected than the nation of Costa Rica.  Two hammered college students bumping uglies in the basement of ZBT are more protected than the nation of Costa Rica.

You know, you’d think that a country bordering Nicaragua and Panama wouldn’t look too bad. But Costa Rica did it. And to be honest, that’s the one feat of Costa Rica that honestly impresses me. The nation’s four all-time Olympic medals aren’t impressive. The national soccer team’s four visits to the World Cup aren’t impressive. But damn – those Costa Ricans sure do know how to make themselves look like dickbrains. Well done, Costa Dickbrains. Well done.

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4 Responses to “Hate a Random Country: Costa Rica”

  1. Chi Chi October 6, 2011 at 11:42 pm #

    Who the fuck is Ross Packingham?

  2. Denise November 15, 2011 at 5:05 am #

    Once Again.

    YOU ARE an idiot, Have you ever been to Costa Rica?

    Hahaha you are truly a comedian.

  3. Jack G January 6, 2013 at 6:11 pm #

    A couple of corrections as i’m sure that like most writers you adore criticism. The 3 mountains are not phallic, they are mammary. As in tits. All Costa Rican women have three boobs. Seriously. And while you are correct that Costa Rica has no military, they do have a constabulary, with big heavy phallic night sticks ready to sodomize anyone who dares touch one of their women’s 3 boobs. There is a connection to Northwestern Football as well. Northwestern broke their long losing streak in the 80’s by defeating Cost Rica A&M University, 3 to nil on the Costa Rican’s home turf. Turns out due to a problem with a “language barrier” the Costa Ricans showed up ready to play soccer. Not wishing to offend their guests, they went on with the game playing American Football for the first time in their history, and nearly pulled off the win, holding the helmeted Cats to a single field goal. It got ugly near the end of the game when one of the Wildcats had to go and touch the 3rd boob of the head Costa Rican cheerleader. There was a melee. Feelings were hurt. An international incident averted only when President Ronald Reagan dispatched Henry Kissinger to mediate – and verify the 3 boob rumors. Fleet Marines activated and only the invasion of more dangerous and powerful Granada kept Costa Rica from becoming the 51st state. It remains a mystery why the country named itself after Bob Costas, but apparently he bought naming rights.

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  1. 10 Reasons Why You Should Apply to be a Writer for Sherman Ave « Sherman Ave - October 18, 2011

    [...] Latvia, New Zealand, Iceland, Uruguay, Brazil, Kyrgyzstan, São Tomé and Príncipe, France, or Costa Rica. Damn this is a sexy piece of online literature! Share [...]

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