According to Yahoo, Northwestern University is the second-most discussed university on the Internet, behind Harvard. First of all, I think that I speak on behalf of most Americans when I proclaim: “Fuck Harvard.” More importantly, however, WE NEED TO PASS THEM AND BECOME THE MOST POPULAR SCHOOL. This year, we managed a fair amount of publicity – when there weren’t exhibitionists fucksawing each other in an after-class demonstration, our university’s president was in Libya trying to capture Qaddafi. Who does Willie the Wildcat have to blow for us to be more discussed than Harvard? The following list presents some steps that can be taken to make Northwestern the collegiate Regina George.
5. Persa for Heisman
Northwestern quarterback and pimp-daddy Dan Persa, who will be a senior this year, is in the running for the Heisman Trophy. If he were to magically win, it would be a huge boost to our school’s publicity, but unfortunately, the odds are stacked against him. For one thing, he didn’t play in the season opener. So…yeah. Heisman winners generally need to have strong Achilles tendons, and as every morally devastated Northwestern sports fan knows, Persa injured his Achilles late last season when he was celebrating the incalculable cockslap he had just personally administered to the University of Iowa. But hopefully by our next game, PersaStrong will be back in to replace ColterMeh, thus reestablishing his claim to Heisman glory. Additionally, it would be ideal if the Cardiac Cats didn’t choke at the end of the season and then get demolished in the fucking TicketCity Bowl.
4. Boost Sporcle Rankings
As of the week of May 8-14, 2011, Northwestern sits at a mediocre 8th place in the Sporcle college rankings, falling behind such shitpillows as Notre Dame and University of Illinois. It goes without saying that climbing the ranks of nerdiness would certainly get our name out there on the Internet. So I implore you, dear Wildcats, to Sporcle like no one’s watching. If this means staying up an extra half-hour every night to brush up on the Top 200 Harry Potter characters, then go for it. If this means studying Battles A to Z between classes, then go for it. If this means going for a new time record in Flags of the World every time you are flagrantly intoxicated, then contact me immediately, because we are probably soulmates.
3. Start a Social Network
Presumably, one of the reasons Harvard was so popular this year was because of their recent publicity in “The Social Network,” the movie that recounts the story of Facebook founder and Harvard dropout Mark Zuckerberg. If a similar episode could transpire at Northwestern, our popularity would skyrocket, which begs the question: What could a new social network offer to distinguish itself from Facebook?
- A rating system that would allow you to estimate the level of collective inebriation in photo albums
- The ability to give someone a 3-day timeout if they’re either being too atrocious (sorry Sir Edward Twattingworth III) or inviting you to play Farmville
- A “Shut the fuck up you obnoxious angsty slutbitch” button
- A regulation system that only allows your relatives to send you a friend request if they are guaranteed to make inappropriate and/or oblivious comments on what you post
2. Hire a Questionable Politician to Teach a Questionable Class
A surefire way to become more discussed on the Internet is to hire a famous politician as a lecturer. Ideally, this person will create lots of controversy on the interwebz, so the class they teach should be something that isn’t necessarily an area of expertise to maximize ironic effect. Here are some ideas:
- Hire Michele Bachmann to teach a course on Global Warming
- Hire Michele Bachmann to teach a course on anything
- Hire Christine O’Donnell to teach a Religious Studies class
- Hire John Kerry to teach an Acting class
- Hire John McCain to teach Human Sexuality
- Hire Dick Cheney to teach a course on Gun Safety
- Hire Nancy Pelosi and/or John Edwards to teach a course on Not Being Heinous
- Hire Ron Paul to teach a political science class
1. Something Greater Than The Fucksaw
One event that did score international publicity for Northwestern this year was the fucksaw – a motorized dildo used in an after-class demonstration for a Human Sexuality course. So how do we top the fucksaw? We make something stronger. What I propose is a contraption I call the “No-Mercy Nuclear Vibrating Device,” or the “Nukevibe” for short. Developed in collaboration with Northwestern’s nuclear science department, the Nukevibe uses the splitting of atoms to create astronomical amounts of energy – energy that is channeled directly to the G-spot. The device has been tested at FermiLab, and all test subjects thus far have died instantly from a pleasure overdose. However, once the device is perfected, there is no doubt that scientific notation will be needed to indicate the rate of orgasms per minute. Some after-class demonstration that’ll be.