Hate a Random Country: São Tomé and Príncipe

31 Aug

NASCAR hasn't quite caught on here yet

It is widely understood that island nations are the gingers of the international community. Under that model, the pitiful African state known as São Tomé and Príncipe is the global equivalent of Molly Weasley. Boasting a population slightly smaller than that of Boise, São Tomé and Príncipe, (henceforth to be referred to as STP, so I don’t have to type all of those goddamn accents) is a volcanic island chain off the coast of the prosperous, stable nation of Gabon. The country is technically a “Democratic Republic,” but it’s safe to presume that whoever told them they were a democratic republic is the same person who told Dr. Dre he was a doctor. However, since the atrophied remainder of my moral fiber prevents me from scrutinizing a country for its legitimate poverty and instability, I’ll just stick with my tried-and-true routine of scrutinizing a country for its culture and heritage.

Even a high James Franco could design a better flag than this.

We’ll start with the national flag. The predominant colors on the flag are yellow, green, and red; a ground-breakingly creative move on the part of STP. The only other West African countries with those colors are Ghana, Togo, Benin, Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, Mali, Senegal, Cameroon, and Burkina Faso. And you thought those nights of drunken Sporcle wouldn’t amount to anything. To add to the cliché color scheme of the flag, note that the flag displays a whopping two stars. First of all, since everyone’s thinking it: by default, the United States is 25 times better than this lamentable excuse for a country. Really, though, two stars? In the context of constellations, two stars can get you the left half of a belt or about one-third of a fucking spoon. In the context of kindergarten, the kids who wound up twenty years later with meth labs in their basement had no trouble getting a pair of stars on a spelling test. Even the hardly-picturesque Chicago night sky shines with more than two stars. Skeptics may conjure up horseshit excuses like “They represent the two islands that make up the nation,” but at the end of the day, the two stars are about as pathetic as Oprah Winfrey standing next to Pippa Middleton.

It's kind of tough when your soccer pitch is a fucking sandlot

As if the national banner didn’t shed enough light on the nation’s inherent rancidness, a little Wikipedia page called “São Tomé and Príncipe national football team”offers some more material. One fascinating table on this page revealed STP’s World Cup record; the words “Did Not Qualify” appeared so many times, you’d think Rosie O’Donnell was trying to run in the Boston Marathon. On several occasions, they even failed to qualify for the African Nations’ Cup – essentially, they got a rejection letter from a community college. Even more laughable are STP’s record games; in 1976, STP suffered an 11-0 loss at the hands of The Congo. That’s almost as bad as losing a night game to Purdue. On the bright side, there are two games tied for STP’s biggest win: the 2-0 decimation of Equatorial Guinea in 1999 and the 2-0 rout of Sierra Leone in 2000. However, after the magnificent 1999-2000 season, the glory days of two goals in one game became nothing but a fond memory amidst a sea of pimp-slaps from various Western African republics. STP’s next match is against the Republic of the Congo (yet another rival yellow-green-red flagged country) in November 2011 – who knows? Perhaps they’ll break a national record and win by more than 2 goals. But more likely, they’ll be curb-stomped into submission by the country that inspired “Heart of Darkness.”

This country is almost as disappointing as The Matrix Revolutions

It goes without saying that STP is a steaming cocksicle of a nation. Yes, it’s tropical and shit, but so is Brazil, and we all know how atrocious that place is. Any nation that prides itself on the number of stars that Ebert and Roeper would instinctively give a movie with Keanu Reeves, has never won a soccer game by three or more goals, and is located on a fucking island can count of being devoid of my adoration. So join the ranks, São Tomé and Príncipe – Uruguay, New Zealand, and dozens of other horrendous countries will welcome your unabashed taintitude with open arms.

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15 Responses to “Hate a Random Country: São Tomé and Príncipe”

  1. A very calm, reasonable person September 1, 2011 at 10:21 pm #

    My father was from Sao Tome and Principe. This country means more to me than anything in the world. HOW DARE YOU. HOW EFFING DARE YOU. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT STP………… Wait. NVM. That flag is ugggggo.

  2. Porra! July 5, 2013 at 9:05 am #

    How dare you talking like that about sao tome and principe. Please talk about your shitty country before you talk about others country, like yours is better. Comparing a country with a movie??? Such a good writer. Please…study first then give your opinion. Better…dont say anything…is better to shut it. I bet you are an american or english. I dont even care to be honest. Just be Proud of your criminal country, who just want to steal from other countries and kill + Kill. I didnt even finish to read your crap!!!!
    thank you!!!!!

    • Djalma July 5, 2013 at 9:33 am #

      Esse man deveria pagar caro por falar assim do meu São Tomé e Príncipe, pais que nem sequer conhece. O Senhor sim é tão decepcionante quando ao filme que mencionou…Ohhh ser humano irritante…

  3. Kyssia July 5, 2013 at 9:49 am #

    Shame on you ….

    • Deolsanik Viegas July 5, 2013 at 5:33 pm #

      Como pode falar assim de uma nação , ??????Quem é voçê para falar dessa forma de um povo ???um idiota !Amo S.Tomé e Príncipe e é meu País.Voçê deveria ser processado por isso.

  4. Katya Aragão July 5, 2013 at 7:10 pm #

    You’re an abortion! You don’t even deserve to say the name of my country! You should be deleted from the WORLD! Too bad that are jerks like you in the world! Asshole!

  5. United States of AmeriKKKa July 6, 2013 at 5:37 am #

    Typical American bullshit, arrogant as fuck. You may hate STP but most of the world hates you for being an American, that’s a fact. I mean, fucking around with the flag? What about the American flag? A bunch of stars and stripes is not really in a different drawing level. This is the internet so everyone can say all the bullshit they want so there’s really nothing someone from STP can do, and you probably laugh or ignore the replies, but facts are facts. Enjoy your “Land of the free and home of the brave” (only if you’re a caucasian male of course).

  6. Solange Torres July 6, 2013 at 7:23 am #

    The flag of a country is made through its history. You did not even know it. Perhaps you not even know the history of your country.

    Culture and history are things that one should have maximum respect, when it mainly comes to a foreign country. And we (S. Tomé and Principe) are rich because we have learned it since childhood. What did not happened to you.

    We feel sorry for you, BECAUSE You’re dispersible person, rude, and ignorant.

    You are unloved even by your country. Because you do not know the meaning of loving a country, loving your people and to love every grain of sand that come from this country.

    WE LOVE S.TOMÉ É PRÍNCIPE!

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