STEP 1: GET YOUR SWAG ON
Mental preparedness here is key. Going into affairs like this with the sole intention of hooking up with an 8 (using the Attractiveness Standardized Scale, or A.S.S.) or better can be a recipe for disaster. Rather, try to remain flexible in order to best meet the unexpected contingencies Cupid might throw at you, like suddenly losing the ability to remember your target’s first name or making the ill-advised decision to put Velvet Underground’s “Heroin” on at a frat party.
STEP 2: SPIT YOUR GAME
a) How attractive you find him or her (this will probably be true, at least for the time being)
b) How intelligent and/or funny you think he or she is (maybe true)
c) How fascinated you are by his or her personality, which you would totally appreciate regardless of how attractive said person is (almost definitely not true)
d) How worthwhile it would be for him or her to choose to spend his or her time with you in various passionate embraces.
Now, this difficult maneuver may or may not be further complicated by the process of dancing or pumping keg beer for a seemingly endless swarm of your peers. We suggest that you keep away from topics like your WoW account in favor of topics that aid you in advancing these four primary conversational goals. Feigning interest in their lives can be useful, even if they’re a pre-law student from Naperville (a Sisyphean task, to be sure).
STEP 3: SEAL THE DEAL
Your moment of triumph has arrived. This is where legends are made and egos are razed to the ground.
Generally, you only need one line of dialogue to make a graceful exit from the party to someplace more private. “Want to come back to my place?” works fine, but I prefer lines with a bit more pizzazz, like “You know, I used to be a French gymnast,” “I have a great collection of Barry White LPs back in my room,” or “Want to go have carnal sexual relations with me on the lakefill?”Next, find a location. We have seen far too many regrettable dance floor hookups to allow for yet another to occur. The key is to remove yourself from the scene, preferably with the level of subtlety that can only be found at the vaunted Keg. Beds, couches, beaches, gardens, hammocks, inflatable bouncy castles, the library, and roofs are all decent locations that will work fairly well.
After that, all that’s left is to throw on some music and provide an adequate performance. Being a capable, or at least not heinous, lover can enhance one’s reputation overnight. But be warned: excessive apologizing, crying, or questioning can forever tarnish your record.
THE NEXT MORNING
If, by some miracle, you genuinely like this person and want to build a stable and healthy romance with him or her, then good luck to you. Congratulations! You have exceeded the area of this blog’s expertise. Please report back to us with whatever advice you may have. I don’t know, try buying them breakfast or something. You know, at someplace other than Burger King.