Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Burger King

16 Aug

Tendercrisp sammiches never tasted as delicious as they do at 2 o'clock in the morning

Outside of Evanston, most people know Burger King as a run-of-the-mill fast food joint that exclusively employs cracked-out high school dropouts. At Northwestern, however, Burger King (colloquially known as “BK” or “The BK Lounge”) is the place to go if you want ruefully sub-par food (although it may not seem so at the time), the experience of seeing a security guard power-trip more than was previously conceivable, and the guarantee of a drunken encounter with that hot girl from your Global History discussion. Rumored to be the highest grossing Burger King in the United States, this sacred building on Clark Street is familiar to all Northwestern students. To help ease your transition into the student body, here are some insights into this legendary establishment.

Like The Keg, some places aren't meant to be entered during daytime hours

Fact #1: Burger King is open 24 hours
This fact is likely the root cause of all things wonderful about this magnificent business. Any time of the day and any day of the week, Burger King opens its warm, friendly doors to the public. If you need to grab a quick lunch between classes, BK is there for you. More likely, you’ll want some heinously greasy food to put a cap on the night’s unprecedented levels of debauchery, and if you want that, BK is even more there for you. Something about BK’s double cheeseburger with fries just settles so well on a stomach full of Jose Cuervo and Arizona Iced Tea.

The true test of any applicant is their ability to keep drunken undergrads from leaning on the railings

Fact #2: Burger King has security guards on weekend nights
Yes, it seems a little bit ridiculous. And yes, it is a little bit ridiculous. But when drunk college students flock to Burger King like bees to honey, there needs to be a way to keep order. That’s why the security guards are there, and they take their job very, very seriously. If you’re waiting in line on a busy Friday and Saturday night, you will inevitably be ordered around to “GET IN LINE!” or “PIPE DOWN!” Rumor has it that the hiring process for a security guard at Burger King is incredibly selective; it’s nearly impossible to get hired if you haven’t previously worked at a maximum security prison or a concentration camp.

Fact #3: Burger King has free wi-fi
Okay, maybe it’s not that relevant. But it’s good to know.

You never know who you'll find

Fact #4: Burger King is the perfect place to meet people
Possibly the best aspect of Burger King is the social appeal. If you go to Burger King between midnight and 3am on a Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night, you are guaranteed to run into some friends and acquaintances. Whether it’s that crazy New Yorker from your hall, the quiet Korean from your Spanish class, or your TA from Intro to Macroeconomics (please God, let that happen), there are always relationships to be built and developed in this chain restaurant chapel. Ideally, you’ll be at BK at a time I call the “convergence point.” The convergence point is the magical time when students from all origins of inebriation – The Keg, the frat houses, off-campus parties, or even the 4th floor of Allison –triumphantly converge upon BK at once. A convergence point of true caliber is like a solar eclipse; it happens very rarely, but when it does, your mind is totally unable to comprehend the beauty of it.

Hey Freshies!!! Got any pressing questions you want our panel of experts to answer? Send them to us at shermanave1@gmail.com, and we’ll answer your questions quicker than a skinny-dipping sophomore can run from the cops.

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25 Responses to “Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Burger King”

  1. Just sayin' August 17, 2011 at 12:25 am #

    Well, they’re unfortunately not actually open 24 hours. Much to my dismay, I discovered last quarter that the kitchen takes a half hour to an hour break around 4am to pretend to clean the place. (Ref: http://bit.ly/pO49yV) It’s hard to stay mad at BK though.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    [...] THE NEXT MORNING If, by some miracle, you genuinely like this person and want to build a stable and healthy romance with him or her, then good luck to you. Congratulations! You have exceeded the area of this blog’s expertise. Please report back to us with whatever advice you may have. I don’t know, try buying them breakfast or something. You know, at someplace other than Burger King. [...]

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  7. Top 10 Least Advisable Halloween Costumes « Sherman Ave - October 26, 2011

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  8. 20 People Who Accomplished More Than Me Before They Were 20 « Sherman Ave - November 9, 2011

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  10. Holiday Guide: NU Gift Ideas For Your Favorite Wildcat « Sherman Ave - December 19, 2011

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  11. 10 Events in World History That Totally Should Have Been Pregamed « Sherman Ave - February 2, 2012

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  12. New Locations for The Keg of Evanston « Sherman Ave - February 8, 2012

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  15. What to Expect from the Northwestern University Class of 2016 « Sherman Ave - March 29, 2012

    [...] lost some credibility when I realized that they weren’t real and that I was merely in a BK-induced hallucinatory coma. Regardless, a Scientologist would be a marvelous addition to the [...]

  16. Why Markwell is a Man of Jellyfish « Sherman Ave - April 18, 2012

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  20. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Sobriety « Sherman Ave - August 15, 2012

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  21. New Theme Restaurant to Open in Plex « Sherman Ave - December 21, 2012

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    […] 20) Remember that all of the above is OK. You’re at Northwestern to get a good job. Except there are no jobs. You’re at Northwestern to work at BK. […]

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