Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: The Keg of Evanston

13 Aug

If you're 20, you're probably too old to go in here.

The Keg of Evanston, referred to fondly in some social circles as merely “The Keg,” is a fine establishment that will undoubtedly be an integral part of every freshman’s awkward array of gruesome events. Located only a few blocks off campus (close enough to be convenient, far enough to facilitate some of the most trying late-night walks in recorded history), the KOE is consistently ranked as one of the nation’s top college bars, inaccurately giving validation to Northwestern’s lamentable social scene. The Keg is like Mount Doom – at first, the thought of it is very intimidating, but if you can manage to get inside of it, you run the risk of having a ruefully unattractive creature bite your finger off.

The Keg: Where skunked beer flows like wine

This presents the first paradox of The Keg – How does one get in without being of age? I will choose to answer that question with a question: Have you ever been through airport security in Peru? Because they share a similar level of difficulty. Essentially, there are two ways to get inside The Keg. 1. Sneak in. It may sound risky, but if you were able to maneuver through a Playplace as a toddler, you’ll be more than capable of getting through a gaping hole in a wooden fence. Option 2: Find an ID to get in. It also may sound risky, but as long as you have a Wildcard or an ID of anyone of legal age (regardless of their race or gender), you have nothing to fear. Last time I got into The Keg, it was with the ID of someone 9 years older, 4 inches shorter, and 40 pounds lighter than me.

So now you may be wondering what happens once you get into The Keg. Fortunately, I have outlined four non-exclusive Keg strategies, or Kategies.

Big Cup Mondays!

KATEGY 1: Drink To The Point Of Flagrant Heinousness
To be honest, you’ve made a mistake if you aren’t already unthinkably belligerent when you enter the hallowed halls/fence of The Keg. The Keg experience can be likened to an Animal Planet special – it’s an opportunity to witness the most primal instincts of our species, regardless of what social mores may be demolished in the process. Such an event is much better understood from the perspective of someone 8 shots deep. Furthermore, so much of what happens in the KOE is only applicable to the smashed demographic. Namely, the stripper poles.

KATEGY 2: Dance To The Point Of Flagrant Heinousness
Let’s face it – the KOE isn’t really a haven for diverse activities. You can basically drink and dance. Not great at dancing? You’ll be fine. Most of the honorable patrons of The Keg are too busy watching their friends mack on 45-year-old sex offenders to laugh at your disturbingly Caucasian rendition of “The Sprinkler.” The Keg is an excellent place to stop worrying, be yourself, and not fear judgment of others; it’s kind of like church.

KATEGY 3: Hook Up To The Point of Flagrant Heinousness
No one comes to The Keg without at least some distant desire to get their freak on. I mean, who doesn’t want to ferociously make out with tanked sorority girls on a sweaty dance floor composed primarily of students and old men? So put the moves on and waste no time shoving your atrocious tongue down someone else’s atrocious throat.

*** ONLY IN CASE OF FAILURE OF KATEGIES 1, 2, and 3 ***

Conveniently situated right next to the couple hooking up on the pool table.

KATEGY 4: Eat Free Popcorn To The Point of Flagrant Heinousness
A veritable fallback indeed. If you aren’t drunk enough, don’t want to dance, and somehow manage to see perversion in slobbering all over every stumbling dame you lay your eyes on, The KOE’s free popcorn is the obvious alternative. Free. No strings attached (other than the fact that you have to consume it alongside a purely offensive display of social behavior). However, this strategy is not advised, because – well, let’s put it this way. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in The Keg, do as an illegitimate child of Paris Hilton and Chet Haze does.

I cannot stress enough that these four kategies are completely non-exclusive. A concoction of all four kategies will certainly make for a satisfying night at The Keg. However, these four kategies will provide you with a solid foundation to comprehend the full scope of what is offered at The Keg. What really matters is that “flagrant heinousness” is absolutely inevitable.

Other fun Keg facts:

  • The MonKeg (Monday night Keg) and SatKeg (Saturday night Keg) are the two busiest nights of the week.  If you go any other night of the week, you’ll probably find yourself amidst a post-practice bonding session for a local bowling club.
  • Kellogg Night is another frequent event at the KOE.  You should probably stay away from that until you’ve mastered all four kategies, or else you’ll find yourself being the booty call of a 35-year-old aspiring CEO with two children.
  • The Keg often hosts fundraisers.  This factoid is not worth trying to understand.
  • There are many ways to enjoy The Keg without actually going inside.  A personal favorite is to hover outside The Keg on a snowy winter night and watch while Thetas attempt to navigate the slippery sidewalk with 6-inch stilettos. 
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34 Responses to “Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: The Keg of Evanston”

  1. Jasemin September 11, 2011 at 4:47 pm #

    Great hammer of Thor, that is powefurlly helpful!

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