Hate A Random Country: Iceland

29 Jun

What do geothermal energy, lesbian prime ministers, and unforgivable amounts of twattery have in common? If you guessed “They occur in the United Kingdom,” then I say to you, excellent guess — Margaret Thatcher did make us all wonder. However, the correct answer would be that the aforementioned items occur in Iceland, or as it translates in the native tongue, “Island that we’d all willingly leave if we knew how.” In researching my scathing criticism of Iceland, I have come upon the frequently-occurring issue of having just too many judgments to pass on a country. Therefore, humble reader, know that beyond what I will mention in this exposé, there is an additional plethora of aspects of Iceland that can be mercilessly scrutinized.

One of Iceland's most famous churches. Think they're compensating for something?

I’ll start out with Iceland’s language: Icelandic. First of all: real creative, Nordic buttsponges. We all know that a true country commandeers another country’s language, removes the obnoxiously superfluous u’s from words that clearly require only an “or,” and claims it as their own without adjusting it to their own country’s demonym. But the acquisition of their language isn’t even the most laughable part of it; the language itself is based on an alphabet presumably engineered by Jerry Garcia after a routine wake-and-bake. The Icelandic Alphabet is a haven for oodles of unnecessary umlauts, accents, and all sorts of other bizarre letter supplements that would never be accepted south of the Arctic Circle. What’s even sadder is that they’ve bastardized letters from the English language; according to Wikipedia, the letter “T” is pronounced as “t with a puff of air.” Wow, Iceland. Wow. Be careful with how much air you’re puffing pronouncing seemingly trivial letters – especially when your nation is covered with so much volcanic ash that it resembles Mordor after Sauron gets blue-balled by that one unfortunate-looking orc general who leads the river-crossing.

No, this image isn't from a Megadeath t-shirt

That brings us to Exhibit B – that volcano that totally ass-pounded Iceland. Now I’ll be a man of integrity: The incident was sad for everyone across the world. Until everyone learned that the name of the volcano that spewed its apocalyptic man-chowder all over the Scandinavian island was a sixteen-letter juggernaut that only the Icelandic tongue could force out of its saggy linguistic womb. Legend tells us that the volcano – Eyjafjallajökull – was dubbed so by an Icelandic citizen with Parkinson’s trying to drunk-text on a roller coaster. The tragic news of the Eyjafjallajökull’s eruption was instantly lightened up by the always-competent American news media, which chose to focus not on the severe infrastructural and environmental damage caused by the eruption, but rather on the absurdity of the volcano’s name. Complain all you want, Iceland, but it’s your own damn fault that your language looks like Bananagrams on LSD.

Rather than simply donning flannel and teaching P.E., this woman had what it took to rule a rock with a slightly larger population than Saint Louis

Moving on from Iceland’s “language,” let’s get to the most important aspect of Iceland’s existence: the lesbian prime minister. Before you go check out lesbianprimeministers.com (I already tried, it’s not a real website), bear with me, because I’m about to do something unprecedented; I’m going to compliment Iceland on their lesbian prime minister. It’s great to see that in a country of stereotypes (after all, her name is Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir), there are still people who break them. In many scenarios, this woman would follow the beaten path and become a librarian or professional golfer, but in Iceland, she became the prime minister of an entire country. Okay, maybe not an entire country, but Iceland.

In conclusion, while I give props to Iceland’s non-truck driving lesbian community, I want to remind readers that I still think Iceland is a worthless piece of shit. I think of Iceland as the Scandinavia of Scandinavia – and I assure you, that is not a favorable remark. So, next time you use a word with fewer than twenty letters, or look up in the sky and see something other than a gray mass of ecological screwedness, say to yourself proudly: “Well, at least I’m not an Icelandic titnugget.”

About these ads

7 Responses to “Hate A Random Country: Iceland”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Hate a Random Country: Uruguay « Sherman Ave - July 9, 2011

    [...] -Peter Stein [...]

  2. Hate a Random Country: France « Sherman Ave - September 13, 2011

    [...] is a substantial claim, given that they inhabit the same planet as other notorious twatbarrels like Iceland and New [...]

  3. 10 Reasons Why You Should Apply to be a Writer for Sherman Ave « Sherman Ave - October 18, 2011

    [...] who don’t want to be us are probably from one of the following countries: Latvia, New Zealand, Iceland, Uruguay, Brazil, Kyrgyzstan, São Tomé and Príncipe, France, or Costa Rica. Damn this is a sexy [...]

  4. May Heinous: Selection Sunday « Sherman Ave - April 29, 2012

    [...] at Sherman Ave, history runs almost as deep as rampant xenophobia. Now, it is with great pride and joy that we introduce to you, dear loyal reader, the first [...]

  5. The Sherman Ave Corollary | Sherman Ave - February 25, 2013

    [...] Jessica Rabbit porn to our humble blog. Apparently there’s been a dearth of images related to Iceland, and we’re always more than happy to fill that blatant-copyright-infringing [...]

  6. How to Feed Yourself and Your Unpaid Internship | Sherman Ave - June 25, 2013

    […] constitute our sole audience members, save lonely randos in crazy remote parts of the world, like Iceland and Buckingham Palace (Wow, how did that happen? #humblebrag), and we’d like you to last until […]

  7. Game of Thrones Season 4 Episode 2 Recap and Review - April 14, 2014

    […] is a terrorist who I have to stop from hijacking the plane and crashing it into the residence of Iceland‘s lesbian prime […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 579 other followers

%d bloggers like this: