As everybody knows, Hollywood is a restless hotbed of individual creativity. Unfortunately, some of the works of genius created by screenwriters never get turned into movies, a tragedy of the highest proportions. After extensive research, we have recently unearthed seven different scripts for movies that never quite made it to the box office, even though they totally should have.
7. Soul Patch
5. PROFESSOR BAILEY or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Fucksaw
Kubrick’s dark comedy exploring the absurd circumstances leading up to that catastrophic event. Set in black and white, the film would star comedic icon Peter Sellers, who would play the roles of Professor Bailey, President Schapiro, Faith Kroll, appalled student #2, Sean Lavery, and the drilldo. Unfortunately, Kubrick decided at the last minute that Professor Bailey wasn’t nearly twisted enough, and proceeded to make the lighthearted romp A Clockwork Orange instead.
Production for this Michael Bay film, starring Mark Wahlberg as an impoverished BU student and Matt Damon as a corrupt Boston Cop, had nearly began until Bay found out that the script had already been written by some Russian asshole. Unfazed, Bay is reportedly in talks with French screenwriter Sartre for the naming rights to his next blockbuster film, No Exit, a film starring Mickey Rourke, Sylvester Stallone, and Bruce Willis as three wrongfully convicted felons trying to escape the Louisiana prison “L’enfer.” 3. Breaking Baaaaaaaad
Smart and sexy international spy Frances Willard must infiltrate the stronghold of the evil Shepard Residential College and foil their nefarious plot for campus-wide domination. Guest starring Master Morson, Eleanor, CSOs Patrick and Joel, Katia Bowers, Taiyo Sogawa, Gabe Bergado, and Katie Chilton as Willard’s hearty gang of affable misfits who transform into one cohesive unit over the course of the film.
2. The Room II: Revenge of Johnny
Johnny’s ghost returns to San Francisco to torment all those who wronged him during his lifetime. Lisa is attacked with animated spoons, that one random drug dealer is brought to justice, and Mark learns football. The sequel died in pre-production due to concerns voiced by writer, director, producer, and main actor Tommy Wiseau that the plot was “too straightforward and logical.”
Acclaimed director Alexander Waldman’s planned documentary delves into the layers of mystery surrounding the world’s most prestigious frority, in an attempt to determine how it evolved from a loose coalition of Northwestern friends into a social group that places its members in some of the most high-profile positions around the world. Learn more about its shadowy founders and leaders, and be shocked by the revelation of which contemporary figures belong to this badass institution (including a Congressman caught in the throes of a sex scandal, 3 New York Knicks cheerleaders, a professor at Harvard, 2 convicted art thiefs, and one People’s Sexiest Man 3 times running).