Hate a Random Country: Latvia

2 Apr

Predictably, most of these lesbian monkeys will become gym teachers

The most important thing to understand about discrimination is that you can’t spell it without saying “nation.” Conclusion? Unbridled xenophobia. Yes, we must realize the importance of hating other countries. I say this not only from a survivalist standpoint, but also because finding reasons to hate other countries is more fun than a barrel of lesbian monkeys. So, in a new series titled “Hate A Random Country,” I plan to expose just a few of the millions of flaws visible in every country that doesn’t rhyme with “Shmunited States of America.”

Seriously, what is this shit!?

Today’s victim: Latvia. Upon my extensive research of Latvia, I instantly noticed some very easily targetable facts about this piss-poor excuse of a nation (formerly Communist, significant population decline in the last 20 years, etc.), but I decided to dig deeper. The first aspect of this Eastern European cesspool that should be mentioned is the coat of arms. The figure features two indistinct animals (presumably dragons with tragic birth defects) holding a shield and breathing absurdly minuscule amounts of fire. The shield shows a sun (real creative, guys) and then two more dragonesque beasts, one holding a sword and the other pantomiming a pole dance (admittedly, the latter is pretty cool). All of this is happening under three stars (The Really Fucking Small Dipper is very important in Latvian mythology) and over a portion of a Christmas Holiday wreath (because clearly a small plant can support the weight of two gargantuan beasts) and a ribbon with the pattern of the Latvian flag.

Gag me already.

As long as I’m on the topic of Latvia’s flag, I should probably go ahead and talk about how much I detest it. Anybody who knows me well (or has by some triumphant circumstance found themselves in a room with me, alcohol, and Sporcle) knows that I don’t kid around when it comes to flags. Thus, it irks me to no end that Latvia’s flag is clearly modeled after the Austrian flag. I’m sorry, Latvia, but there’s really only so much you can do with three horizontal stripes patterned red-white-red. Furthermore, if you are going to copy a flag, why choose Austria? The only good thing that came out of Austria was indisputably canceled out by the myriad of bad things that came out of it.

The traditional Latvian breakfast

Are you not yet convinced of Latvia’s ethnic LOLability? Latvia’s only distinguishing Olympic successes have been in motocross. If someone was born on the day Latvia became an independent nation, they wouldn’t be old enough to drink. Only if everybody in Latvia had 5 clones would they have enough people to outnumber a nation made solely of the people who watched this video. Latvia’s mama is so fat that her BMI is measured in acres. I could go on forever about all the inherent flaws in the “nation” of Latvia, but I think it’s pretty obvious that Latvia is the Idaho of Europe. I’m just going to leave you with this last thought: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wN8kWlH3G3E&feature=related

Prepare yourselves, bitches

Tune in next time for an emotional smackdown on New Zealand.

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28 Responses to “Hate a Random Country: Latvia”

  1. Rick April 4, 2011 at 3:25 pm #

    Helpful details! I have been searching for something similar to this for a little bit now. Thanks!

  2. Ven May 1, 2011 at 8:51 am #

    Miserable story without even a single justified critique. If you would have dig deeper you would have noticed that each detail of the Coat of Arms makes perfect sense from the historical perspective and the flag is among the oldest in the world.
    Latvia succeeds in Olympics every time, even though the population is so small and motocross was only the last victory.
    Latvia gained first independence in 1918, I assume that you might be able to calculate or maybe not because judging from your “blog” your IQ is surely below 0.

    • William Shuttersborough May 4, 2011 at 10:16 am #

      Sorry, but latvian flag is taken from slavic tribes. You can read ancient german and celtic chronics about wars in central Europe. Chronics tell that slavic tribes came with red-white-red flag. Afterwards some slavic tribes lived in Baltic states where they established new states. One of those states was Jersika. Nowadays, latvian historicians are very politized so they call Jersika warlord Vsevolod (slavic name) as Visvaldis (baltic name). Other Europe called Baltic slavs Vends. Now there are many places and one big river called after the name Vends – Venta, Ventspils, Venden (nowadays Cesis). In Jersika there was a city Kukenois. Nowadays – Koknese.
      Sadly, but nowadays latvian historicians try not to dig for a truth but to cover that baltic and slavic tribes haven’t strong historical ties. Cause politicians are afraid that afterwards latvians will be closer to russians and other slavic world.
      P.S. – There isn’t a discipline in Olympics called Motocross..

  3. Someone with a sense of humor May 20, 2011 at 2:30 am #

    I think this was supposed to be a joke…I doubt he actually hates Latvia, I’m sure if he did he’d be more factual and have better reasons. And motocross did enter the olympics in 2008.

  4. as June 4, 2011 at 12:45 pm #

    that shit aint flag of Latvia.
    http://www.president.lv/images/modules/items/JPG/item_2458_1.jpg

    • as June 4, 2011 at 12:45 pm #

      sorry, i meant coat of arms

      • Latvian January 9, 2014 at 8:10 am #

        Yup, true!

  5. Gollum June 28, 2011 at 7:29 pm #

    Ven – lighten up. This is a comedic piece of work, not a well researched, legitimate, Mein Kampt-esque, xenophobic diatribe. Chill out – this is a brilliant article. Well done, Peter, keep more coming.

    • vbtoawiy August 20, 2011 at 10:50 am #

      yes this shit is so funny im just rolling around. i mean has he failed in life this bad that he has to go to these lengths to get attention from other failures?

  6. Samba Schuhe July 2, 2011 at 12:13 pm #

    Brilliant piece of writing, We are browsing back again usually to look around for improvements.

  7. Art History X December 14, 2011 at 5:32 pm #

    Latvia isn’t in Eastern Europe… it’s Northern Europe

  8. Ajs January 9, 2012 at 9:24 am #

    What do you know about Latvia and the Latvians?Very Reach history! A Baltic nation that emerged from fifty years under the Soviet Union – interrupted by a brief but brutal Nazi-German occupation and a devastating– now a member of the European Union and NATO
    some facts:
    Christianity only came to Latvia at 11. century but was enforced completely by crusaders at 13. century. So Latvians was one of the last people in Europe to convert to Christianity. Even when Christianity was official religion in Latvia, the elements of Paganism remained active even until 18. century. Latvians managed to keep their Pagan practices and myths and they are very well known until this day.
    When you see Swastika used in Latvian traditional celebrations and dresses it has nothing to do with Nazi ideology. At the time of Republic of Latvia before the Second World War swastika was popular national symbol and was associated with Nazism in very rare cases. swastika comes from the ages,symbol of Latvian pagan god -Perkons.-The swastika is Pērkoņkrusts (Thundercross) in Latvian.
    Latvian language – Latvian is a Baltic language, one of the oldest living languages in the World, closely related to Lithuanian and Sanskrit! On this moment Baltic countries, most whitest countries in the world ,most of people are racist,but its only for protection,they are good people,and i proud to be one of them)all other answers you can find in old lybraries!

  9. Ajs January 9, 2012 at 9:55 am #

    Northern Europe is the northern part or region of Europe which includes Denmark, Faroe Islands,Estonia,Finland, Åland Islands,Iceland,Ireland,Latvia,Lithuania,
    Norway, Svalbard and Jan Mayen,Sweden,United Kingdom ,Guernsey,Isle of Man! Latvia was and its still a northern country, look at the old maps which is 2500 y.old(Historically, when Europe was dominated by the Mediterranean region (i.e. the Roman Empire), everything not near this sea was termed Northern Europe, including Germany, the Low Countries, and Austria. This meaning is still used today in some contexts, such as in discussions of the Northern Renaissance. In medieval times, the term (Ultima) Thule was used to mean a mythical place in the extreme northern reaches of the continent.)
    A subset of the countries and territories listed above, all of whom are members of the Nordic Council, are also known as the Nordic countries. Before the establishment of the Nordic Council in 1952, the term ‘Nordic’, or ‘Northern’, was commonly used to also refer to the Lutheran Baltic countries Estonia and Latvia, as well as the northern sections of European Russia.(because of the political point-70 years under russia -Latvia North east country)), but from the ages,and centurys geographically and historically correctly -Latvia are northern country,this is fact!
    The United Kingdom and Ireland are sometimes included in Western Europe and Lithuania in Central Europe, (originly Lithuania -North country, but in historycal documents there was something with poland, thats why again because of politic point ,sometimes is central or north-eastern europe, But the Fact Is -> Estonia,Latvia and lLithuanija- >Northern Europe!

  10. Jānis June 16, 2012 at 6:39 am #

    Even though I consider your making fun of not-so-well-countries not a bad idea (if anything, I am Latvian), this was not very funny. If you cannot come up with proper funny jokes, or at least be extremely absurd and rude (like Borat, for instance), you fail as a writer and should consider to accept your pussy ass fate of being a loser.

    That being said, I really hope you will improve your writing skills or refrain from writing. Or write about something you can grip, cats and knitting, for example.

    You will thank me later :)

  11. Armands Ilvars Vilnis September 20, 2012 at 1:04 pm #

    nice try douche :D , i’m a Latvian and i must admit that it was pretty offensive but i just cant understand why did you make something like this? why hate?
    anyway, nice to read some nice comments! :)
    p.s. fuck your mother, your father and the rest of the people that hate you for who you are, thanks for reading! :*

  12. Mārtiņš November 22, 2012 at 8:36 am #

    First of all, our flag is not red-white-red. Colour’s name is maroon (yes, like groups name). And our flag, at least, matches the legend, because blood isn’t bright red like in austrian flag.
    And Latvia has won USA in hockey at world championships. Smack it, “big” nation.

  13. lv January 9, 2013 at 6:34 pm #

    Ou, u peace of shit. Better take a look on yours, stars un stripes.And yeah, fucking mcdonald is mutch better food. Open your eyes!!!!!!

    • Yazz August 6, 2013 at 8:06 pm #

      I totally agree with lv and the other guys,
      Seriously this is a joke?
      If it is, I’m so sorry, because its sadly stupid and not funny at all :D

    • anon October 3, 2013 at 1:27 am #

      lol you eurotrash can dish it out but not take it eh?By the way the states actually have numerous cuisines changing from region to region the fact that you only know about fast food shows how ignorant you really are.

  14. emma October 17, 2013 at 6:39 am #

    I am a latvian citizen, so I know a few things about my country, like, coat of arms you showed wasn’t actually the latvian coat of arms. The real one looks different and every detail of the coat of arms is simbolic and related to Latvias history, like, the three stars represent the three historical regions (Zemgale-Kurzeme, Latgale and Vidzeme). Also if you were able to do mathematical equations (which, by the way, I’m so sorry you can’t) you would know that our country will be 95 y/o. So next time you want to “hate a random country” at least do your research.

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