Morty Schapiro: The Man, The Myth, The Legend

4 Feb

You lookin' at ME?

It is well known amongst Northwestern students that the University’s president, Morton Owen Schapiro, is, for all intents and purposes, a god among mere mortals. Those who admire and fear his clout often whisper his name in secluded corners of the sorority quad or the bowels of the Technological Institute or the basement of Norris, questioning if the legend is true. Did he really spend a summer translating ethnic slurs to Portuguese refugees in Angola when he was 10? Is the wildcat sound effect during Northwestern football games actually a recording of him yawning? Did he actually find Waldo AND Carmen Sandiego? As surely as Francis Church affirms the existence of Santa Claus, I am here to tell you, reader, that yes, Morton Schapiro has accomplished all that you’ve heard. And more.

Grew that beard in 27 seconds after pounding back 3 whiskey shots

After receiving his driver’s license when he was 16 days old, Morty Schapiro kicked the dust off his baby booties and decided to take on the big world. By age 3 he became the world’s youngest professional contortionist while living in an original Adolf Loos house in Austria. During his time there, Austrian tourism shot up by 348%. He was quickly relocated to the United States to serve as a consultant for the Federal Bureau of Investigations and took part in several covert operations with the Mexican government. Four months later he canoed to South Africa with only a can of Cheez Whiz and a ping-pong paddle as an oar. He made it in one day. After tutoring Steven Biko in public speaking and political activism, Schapiro made his way to Angola, and then to Tanzania, where he climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. Twice.

When he was fifteen, he worked in conjunction with the United States 56th Rescue Squadron in search and rescue missions throughout North Africa and southern Europe. Years later, his expertise in the field allowed him to single-handedly devise a plan to rescue the trapped Chilean miners, which he explained in a single text message. In his spare time, Morty traveled back to the United States to take the SATs, which he got a perfect score on after drinking two Four Lokos.

No kidding, 8-inches

During his years in college and graduate school, Morty spent his free time wooing women with his sensuous oboe and saxophone playing, though he was first chair violinist in the Philadelphia Orchestra on the weekends. In the same night he built a telescope in his dorm room (which was later used as a prototype for the Hubble Telescope), cooked 10-minute rice in 5 minutes, and drew a doodle, which would earn him an honorary degree from the Rhode Island School of Design.  He got a perfect score on three exams the next morning. He read the Count of Monte Cristo and the Divine Comedy in an hour and was the only student in the history of University of Pennsylvania to earn a 4.8 GPA.

#24 even totally let his girlfriend spend a night of mind-boggling pleasure with Morty, just to be a nice guy

While studying abroad in France, he visited every exhibit of the Louvre in a day, and still had time to cook a four-course meal, using only a blender and toaster. He first discovered his love of economics after working with Benoit Mandelbrot on his paper, Fractals: Form, Chance and Dimension. The day before his return to the United States, a parade was held in his honor and he was awarded by President Valery d’Estaing “The Only American Loved by France.”

Morty Cat

In the years since, Morty has never ceased to amaze those who surround him. He has been nominated for two Oscars, a Grammy and every Nobel Prize. He was the source of inspiration for the Old Spice commercial character, plays tennis with Rafael Nadal every Wednesday, and knits onesie pajamas for needy children. He is impervious to Rickrolling. He’s never lost at Risk, is in perfect physical condition, has designed floral arrangements for several celebrity weddings, and makes a mean apple pie. Students revere him, Evanston aldermen cower in his presence, and the weather fluctuates according to his mood.  He is mighty, he is kind, he is refined.

He is Morty.

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44 Responses to “Morty Schapiro: The Man, The Myth, The Legend”

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Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Sherman Ave’s One Month Anniversary! « Sherman Ave - February 26, 2011

    [...] Schapiro from a little-known college president to a dearly beloved demigod, all thanks to our extensive profile of the living legend [...]

  2. My 15 Minute Stand With Morty Schapiro in Paris « Sherman Ave - March 28, 2011

    [...] It was in this moment that I fully realized that every aspect of his legend was undeniably true. [...]

  3. Guess Who’s Back? « Sherman Ave - June 28, 2011

    [...] puts me in a difficult place, because I really don’t like disagreeing with His Royal Highness Morton O. Schapiro (you may think I use the word “royal” sarcastically, but damn, the man loves his purple). [...]

  4. Commissioned Report Reveals Northwestern “Dangerously Susceptible” to a Zombie Outbreak « Sherman Ave - July 1, 2011

    [...] revelation that is sure to cause much consternation among the Northwestern student body, President Morty Schapiro released the details of a sweeping investigation into the University’s safeguards against a [...]

  5. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Academics « Sherman Ave - August 10, 2011

    [...] Alright, so now you should all be experts about Northwestern academics. Stay tuned for future installments of the Freshman Guide, where we intend to get to issues that truly matter, like how to sneak into the Keg and the true extent of Morty Schapiro’s supernatural powers. [...]

  6. NATO Sends in Morty to Capture Qaddafi « Sherman Ave - August 27, 2011

    [...] over Libya, NATO leaders announced early this morning that they would send Northwestern President Morton “Morty” Schapiro into the volatile African nation in an effort to capture Colonel Muammar [...]

  7. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Making Friends « Sherman Ave - September 4, 2011

    [...] episode of Archer at least five times. Stay up sporcling the hits of the 90s and debating how badly Morty would destroy Chuck Norris. Build forts in your dorm’s study areas with University property. [...]

  8. 10 Reasons Why You Should Apply to be a Writer for Sherman Ave « Sherman Ave - October 18, 2011

    [...] You love Morty. We love Morty. Is that not enough? Just think about the man’s silky, silvery beard and how much you’d love to [...]

  9. 20 People Who Accomplished More Than Me Before They Were 20 « Sherman Ave - November 9, 2011

    [...] Morty as a child6. Morton “Morty” Owen Schapiro The man could grow a full grown beard in first grade in the same time it took me to read a page of Good Night Moon. But for a more complete examination of his exploits in the early years of this man’s life, I suggest you reference Chloe Woodhouse’s expose on the legend himself. [...]

  10. Places You Shouldn’t Meet a Girl « Sherman Ave - December 9, 2011

    [...] in your hair is starting to breed, and you’re not sure that the infestation is something even Morty can demolish with a few McCormick [...]

  11. Other Things David Stern Should Veto « Sherman Ave - December 12, 2011

    [...] of reading week preparing for my Ancient Philosophy final, but if Stern could have some words with Morty re: my grades, that would be dandier than Sebastian [...]

  12. Who You Shouldn’t Be Buying Christmas Presents For « Sherman Ave - December 13, 2011

    [...] This is a tricky one, because on the one hand, there is no one in the world that doesn’t owe Morty a gift. From Libyan rebels who President Schapiro helped when he killed Qaddafi to rural Congolese [...]

  13. 2011 Sherman Ave Reader’s Poll: Results « Sherman Ave - January 19, 2012

    [...] 7.2. Notable write-ins include Twilight: Breaking Hymen and Pippa Middleton, both of which feature Morty Schapiro and Kate Upton in starring [...]

  14. 525,600 p-trips: A look back at Year 1 of the Shermanavian Calendar « Sherman Ave - January 26, 2012

    [...] is named the 16th president of Northwestern University.  At this point, little was known about the man’s past, but the whole world would soon know of Morty’s legend: his unthinkable assortment of purple [...]

  15. Your Latest Dwombos (Daily Word Combinations) « Sherman Ave - February 16, 2012

    [...] his shirt off!?Morgasm The collective release of tension experienced by Northwestern students when Morty saved the brothels. It’s like a combination of pure unadulterated admiration mixed with relief [...]

  16. Why I’m transferring to Arizona State « Sherman Ave - February 26, 2012

    [...] miss the one nice day each year out on the lakefill. And I think I’ll miss you most of all, Morty. But it’s really time for me to go. There are pool parties for me to attend. Damn this is a sexy [...]

  17. The Official Sherman Ave Drinking Decathlon! « Sherman Ave - March 20, 2012

    [...] 7. Flip Cup The two teams will play a best of five (5) tournament of flip cup. The winning team will be awarded twenty (20) points. If a team wins in four (4) games, they will be awarded twenty-five (25) points, and if a team wins in three (3) games, they will be awarded thirty (30) points. Throughout the competition, the two teams must debate each other regarding one of four potential topics: partial-birth abortion, affirmative action, the causes and consequences of the Arab Spring, or the sexual capacity of President Morty Schapiro. [...]

  18. Northwestern would TOTALLY be in the Final Four right now « Sherman Ave - March 26, 2012

    [...] no choice but to bring in Northwestern University President and Professional Crocodile Wrestler Morton Schapiro. Morty scores eleventy-seven-trillion points, blocks all of the shots, and grabs all of the [...]

  19. How to take down the Happiness Club: A four prong approach « Sherman Ave - March 27, 2012

    [...] want to make me happy? Then pour a shot of tequila in my mouth and tie me to Morty’s bed where he can whip me repeatedly with a dog leash while singing the Northwestern fight song [...]

  20. An Open Letter Apology to the Management of the Skokie, IL Chuck E. Cheese Franchise « Sherman Ave - April 9, 2012

    [...] Sherman Ave co-editor, Presbyterian, frat star, Chipotle VIP card holder, illegitimate child of Morty Schapiro and Brooklyn Decker, starting Wildcat Wide Receiver, Keg bouncer, Homo sapien, or Chet Haze hype [...]

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    [...] NU's revenue comes from my expenditures at the Norris Crepe StationYes, Beyoncé is talking about Morty’s endowment. Northwestern’s endowment for 2011 was over $7 [...]

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    [...] in an announcement released just after the maelstrom blew up his newsfeed, President Morty Schapiro announced a bold and ambitious plan that is certain to bring once-troubled campus race relations to [...]

  23. Fucked Up Children’s Shows « Sherman Ave - May 10, 2012

    [...] and the train who doesn’t win will be destroyed. Holy shit. That’d be like if Morty made you compete with the kid who sits next to you for midterm grades, and then if you lost SENT [...]

  24. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: 10 Mistakes You Will Make « Sherman Ave - July 30, 2012

    [...] not the grade you want so you accuse them of giving you a lower grade because you whipped out your Schapiro after discussion section. And no one wants [...]

  25. ForMITTable Opponents: Rejected Romney Running Mates « Sherman Ave - August 12, 2012

    [...] Schapiro Nobody’s quite sure why the Romney campaign passed Morty up, but rumors persist that it had something to do with Morty, a $10,000 bet, and Ann [...]

  26. BREAKING: Bruce Springsteen Not to Perform at A&O Blowout Just Like Fucking Last Year « Sherman Ave - September 24, 2012

    [...] legend Bruce Springsteen will not perform next month at A&O Blowout, University President Morton Schapiro announced during this morning’s freshman [...]

  27. A Guide to Life After College: Your First Paycheck « Sherman Ave - November 12, 2012

    [...] buying a Ms. Pacman arcade machine, or a hitman to kill off everyone who has ever been a threat to Morty Schapiro’s continued occupation of the #1 spot on the list of most BAMF individuals. However, it [...]

  28. Children’s Books for Future Northwestern Students « Sherman Ave - December 1, 2012

    [...] hallucination on his way from CVS to his home in Sargent. On his way, he encounters Morty Schapiro, who gives him a magical souvenir key ring whose jingle can only be heard by Wildcats who truly [...]

  29. A Super Serious Restaurant Review of Frontera Fresco for Super Serious People « Sherman Ave - December 5, 2012

    [...] wrecking shit (after all, Sheridan and Sherman are more than street names, and let’s not forget Morty himself). And again NU courts controversy, since “Mexican” and “border” get along today as [...]

  30. Cold Weather Forces Morty to Work From Steam Tunnels « Sherman Ave - January 23, 2013

    [...] coldest days of the year on record, Northwestern University’s unshakable emotional rock, President Morty Schapiro, has evidently been wracked by the cold weather according to sources in the Rebecca Crown [...]

  31. Sherman Ave Turns 2!!! « Sherman Ave - January 25, 2013

    [...] that the future may bring? The only things that are certain in this life are Dillo Day and  Morty. Stick with us, and let’s see what heinous the future has in [...]

  32. The Sherman Ave Corollary | Sherman Ave - February 25, 2013

    [...] is affected by the Sherman Ave Corollary? Hot people mostly. Like Alex Morgan, or Morty Schapiro. Horse genitalia [...]

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    […] It doesn’t matter if you don’t like Morty. Everyone else likes Morty. So you also like […]

  34. Sherman Ave Interviews: Morty Schapiro | Sherman Ave - June 6, 2013

    […] Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III) sat down with Northwestern University President Morty Schapiro for an interview.  Why he agreed to let us do this, we may never know, but we sure are happy he […]

  35. Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Demetri Elias | Sherman Ave - September 24, 2013

    […] I couldn’t do that. Chloe was an amazing partner. It was a cool process because it wasn’t just a weekend for us. […]

  36. Northwestern to Break Ground on Huge Fucking Inconvenience in 2015 | Sherman Ave - October 8, 2013

    […] more important than the future of Northwestern University and its students, university president Morton Schapiro announced plans to break ground on Northwestern’s newest massive inconvenience by Fall of […]

  37. 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll: Results | Sherman Ave - January 1, 2014

    […] even close here. With 26% of the vote, the winner was: Morty Schapiro. Pretty boys Ryan Gosling and Joseph Gordon-Levitt didn’t stand a chance against the man whose […]

  38. Sherman Ave » How to take down the Happiness Club: A four prong approach - April 6, 2014

    […] want to make me happy? Then pour a shot of tequila in my mouth and tie me to Morty’s bed where he can whip me repeatedly with a dog leash while singing the Northwestern fight song […]

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