How to Keep Warm During a Blizzard

1 Feb


The Evanston city council has declared a state of emergency for dangerously high levels of Xtreme Chocolatey Deliciousness

As every man, woman, and child in the Midwest knows by now, the snowpocalypse of the century is apparently heading our way. About 20 inches of snow are predicted for today and tomorrow, with winds near the lake expected to reach 60 mph. To put that in perspective, we’re expecting a blizzard of monstrously epic proportions to drop as much snow as an average newborn baby is tall, with gusts of wind that travel faster than most grandparents drive on I-90. With all the general consternation surrounding the most frightening blizzard to hit the Chicagoland area since Dairy Queen’s Chocolate Xtreme Blizzard terrorized the South Side in 1993, we thought that our readers would appreciate our suggestions on how best to keep warm during a blizzard.

Brian Lange shows some motherfuckers what's up

Remember: frolic responsibly, and save the ice-balls for the kid who always blasts Nickelback at 2:00 in the morning

Snow is awesome, and because the fickle God of Chicago weather has granted us such a plentitude of the damned stuff, we might as well enjoy it. So frolic to your heart’s content. Build a snowman that looks like President Mubarak, and tear him down in angry protests. Catch snow on your tongue. Make snow angels in the middle of Sheridan Road. Start a snowball fight, although remain wary of douchey Evans Scholars or Evanston residents still smarting from their recent smack-down at the hands of Morty Shapiro. Also, watch out for Safe Rides, who are expertly camouflaged to blend into the snow, making them even more dangerous than was previously thought possible.

Burn Things
Nothing provides warmth quite like a good raging fire. Wood and charcoal work best, but lacking either of those resources, we recommend that you torch all of your posters and magazines, as well as any nonessential books you own (which pretty much boils down to everything that isn’t the Zombie Survival Guide). If all else fails, you can always just douse your roommate’s bed with lighter fluid and warm your numb hands by its roaring flames.

Seriously, what the fuck were they thinking?

Burn, baby, BURN!!!!!

This might, however, strain your relations with said roommate, so our last suggestion should only be used in absolute desperation in order to ward off the icy grip of death. Also, although we would never condone arson, it might eventually be justified to burn down the Northwestern University Library, but more for the sheer joy that we could derive from destroying one of the worst examples of brutalist architecture in the world than the warmth that so many burning books could provide.

Platonic Snuggling
This option seems pretty self-explanatory. Grab some of your comfiest and coziest friends, build a fort out of sheets and pillows, cuddle up real close and tight, and finally get caught up on all the Project Runway episodes you’ve missed. Wool sweaters, snuggies, a Netflix instant play account, and cookies are all valuable resources for this group activity. Expect bonding, friendship, tickling, spooning, at least one friend with devastatingly terrible breath, and a general sense of happiness to engulf you.

I swear, this NEVER HAPPENS

Know what else could really warm me up? A sandwich.

Not-So-Platonic Snuggling
This requires a slightly different skill set and a bit higher degree of difficulty, but produces essentially the same results as mere Platonic Snuggling. Everybody knows that the best way to survive a blizzard is by sharing each other’s body heat, so what better way to keep warm during a blizzard than to strip down with a loved one — or at least that kid who sits three rows behind you in Chemistry — and “go through the motions.” Resident Sherman Ave sexpert Sean Lavery highly recommends finding a partner from either Medill or Comm, but admits that “anybody, really, will do.” Expect brief sensations of euphoria, followed by heightened feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and disappointment. But what’s key here is that you snuggle up with at least a 6 and ward off the cold outside by spicing things up in your room, all while your roommate plots revenge on you for sexiling him after setting his mattress ablaze.

And last, but certainly not least…

Nestle up with some Nestle (21+)

Even if it doesn’t actually physically warm you, everybody knows that alcohol at least makes you feel warm. And feeling warm is half the battle against a blizzard (the other half is preventing hypothermia). We can only suggest that our readers 21 years or older partake in such activities, but just in case a truck turns over in the snow, magically spilling its contents for enterprising underage Northwestern undergrads, these survival hints might come in handy. Also, keep in mind that drinking goes exceptionally well with all of the other activities we’ve recommended to keep warm during the blizzard. Your best, and most delicious, option is spiked hot chocolate, which involves a lot of hot chocolate with a spritz of mint schnapps. But really anything will work. Need some extra fortitude to walk to Tech tomorrow through gale-force winds? Take a shot. Need to walk the 20 feet from Chapin to the Willard dining hall? Let Mr. Rum help you there. Angry that your class wasn’t canceled due to weather? Jack Daniel’s is here to console you. Of course, border-line alcoholism is never the answer to your problems, and puts you at serious risk of increased danger, especially during a blizzard of historic proportions. So stay responsible, stay safe, and most importantly, stay warm during this flurricane to end all snogroms.

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8 Responses to “How to Keep Warm During a Blizzard”

  1. Shannon February 2, 2011 at 6:45 am #

    Good document, I seriously await up-dates from you.

  2. Brian L February 2, 2011 at 11:40 pm #

    OH MY GAWDZ I’M ON A BLOG (snowball pic is me)


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