So you’ve been accepted to Northwestern. Big fucking deal. So was just about everyone who writes for Sherman Ave AND Chet Haze (who may or may not also write for Sherman Ave). You have accomplished nothing of any difficulty and importance, and this school will spend the next four years reminding you of that fact. So now that you have a little perspective, it’s time to get you prepped on everything you’ll need to know to survive the gauntlet of purple and white!
Soon, the Daily Northwestern, NBN, your parents, and dozens of other sources will be filling you in on the best dining halls, the characteristics of the two sides of campus and what the party scene is like. Even The Flipside will take the opportunity to desperately grasp at readership by printing freshman-oriented pieces.
Since old Uncle Samwise can’t do a better job than the rest at giving you everything you’ll need to know, I’ll have to settle for giving everything else you’ll need to know.
NEW YORK– Revelers took the streets worldwide Friday as news broke that Beyoncé is expecting a second child, indicating that Our Queen has indeed engaged in sexual intercourse once again.
Spontaneous celebrations were seen in cities in more than 180 countries, with crowds carrying banners and signs adorned with such slogans as “CONGRATS HOVA,” “TWICE AS NICE,” “BEY HAD SEX! KEG KEG KEG!” and “I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT BEYONCE’S BOOBIES “
This is how u make bey-bees duh.
Those in the crowds said that as soon as they heard the news of B’s second coital, they dropped everything to take to the streets. Continue reading
Said everyone when The Office stopped running.
For those of us who are soon-to-be rising seniors, The Office has been a fixture in our lives since we were greasy haired seventh graders trying to cope with the idea that there could be letters in a math problem (seriously, WTF still?). Although the last few seasons have been lackluster, we have to admit that we used to drop everything on Thursday night to invite Michael, Pam, Jim, and Dwight into our homes and our hearts. So in celebration of tonight’s series finale, let’s take a look at some of the adolescent milestones we experienced over the course of The Office‘s nine-year tenure.
2005: Received some wisdom from your middle school health teacher.
2006: Went to your first school dance. You were too scared to grind to Ms. New Booty, but you managed to blend in somehow.
Dear Northwestern University Class of 2017,
I know you’ve probably read the latest email from the Northwestern administration, saying you’re the smartest, most diverse, most sexually capable class of students to ever be admitted to Northwestern University. I know you’re probably feeling pretty good about yourselves, and you feel special in the eyes of Northwestern. But let me tell you something: don’t believe them. They’ll only hurt you.
I remember when I got my first email from Northwestern. They told me I was “quick-witted, sharp, creative.” They told me I was beautiful. They told me I was the only student they’d ever make love to. And then a new class came along, and all of a sudden I wasn’t so smart, I wasn’t so special, and I wasn’t so pretty. I was nothing to them – just another mark on their admissions list. Continue reading
One Northwestern. One Shitshow.
In the wake of a heated Associated Student Government Senate meeting last Wednesday night, ASG President Ani Ajith is scrambling to fill numerous vacancies for cabinet positions left unconfirmed following the acrimonious session. While ASG‘s failure to confirm the chief of staff, vice president for public relations and associate vice president for diversity and inclusion positions for political, racial, and fecal reasons received wide coverage, the following seven essential positions also remain unconfirmed.
1. Smash Mouth’s slot at Dillo Day
Despite widespread support for the 1990s pop-rock band’s appointment to Dillo Day‘s traditional “Bands-You-Listened-To-In-Middle-School-Nostalgic-Daytime Slot,” the selection committee’s nomination was blocked by senate vote following a contentious floor debate. Bobb senator Biff Pemberton expressed concern with the band’s rumored appointment, claiming that the band “just wasn’t experienced enough” for the responsibility of performing for thousands of drunken college kids. Pemberton went on to filibuster the proceedings, playing Smash Mouth’s 2005 Christmas album Gift of Rock on repeat for eight-hours nonstop.
Let’s just take a moment to observe all elements of this picture.
EVANSTON – Sources report that today’s Associated Student Government senate meeting quickly devolved into the use of human excrement as a projectile.
The meeting, called to order at 3:30pm, was scheduled with the intent of nominating three more candidates to fill the three cabinet positions that senators blocked from appointment last week. However, shortly after opening statements were made, a senator was struck in the face by a steamy and especially corny pile of feces, resulting in a counterattack and ultimately open fecal warfare. Continue reading
As Dillo Day approaches, the Northwestern Student body at large is counting the days and wondering: who will be the final two acts? With the announcements that both Walk the Moon and Danny Brown will be performing, along with the expected announcement of Smash Mouth, students and arbitrary townies of Evanston now wait with baited breath to learn who else will be whetting their Dillo palates. After extensive research and multiple FOIA requests, we at Sherman Ave have narrowed the list of potential performers down to five artists who we believe, while they may not all be fan favorites, are the acts that are most likely to fill those spots. In no particular order:
“Daft Punk has a new album coming out? I didn’t know that!” – Nobody
1. Daft Punk
With their new album Random Access Memories set for a May 17th release, what better place to promote it than at the spring festival for a medium-sized private university in Evanston, Illinois? Not only would Dillo Day be excellent exposure for the grossly under-promoted French electronic duo, but such a gig would be a great platform from which to kick off a surprise tour of North America. Daft Punk would most likely be the nighttime headliner, and, not to editorialize, but such a slot could prove problematic for the duo, as they would have to fill the very large shoes of last year’s nighttime headliner, Steve Aoki. Speaking of which…
With the resurfacing of mental health discourse on campus at Northwestern, it’s about time we have a serious discussion about priorities. With the shocking death of a third student this year, people are understandably angry and confused. We once again mobilize over the buzzword “mental health,” eager to take action to prevent further tragedies. We point fingers at the lackluster counseling services on campus and cry out for more awareness of mental health issues through implementing a new ENU. But we fail to acknowledge our own complicity as a community.
After each suicide this year, I’ve been struck by community’s shock that anything was wrong in the first place. Now, all Northwestern students sacrifice their health and happiness from time to time to beat the curve, and many suffer in silence. But there are those among us who do not choose our unhappiness for later rewards. We suffer so deeply that the joys of our lives remain out of reach. Yet we too stay silent and go through the motions, even if we have been left void of all feeling, even if it absolutely destroys us inside. I do not wish to put words into others’ mouths, but I can at the very least say that I understand what this is like. Many of you know me as a good friend of the Ave and a leader of many campus organizations, but I am also a rape survivor.
1. When you try to hook up with that biddie from
The Keg The Deuce, but your stupid roommate won’t leave:
2. When you signed up for 9am classes every day of the week:
3. When you wake up after going to a crush party and didn’t lose your phone: