God Hates Flags
STILLWATER, Minn. — After news broke that the Boy Scouts of America lifted its ban on gays in the organization, U.S. Representative and notorious corn dog gargler Michele Bachmann shuddered audibly this afternoon at the thought that America’s homosexuals would soon learn how to create fire.
“Uuuuugggghhhh,” reported Bachmann as she convulsed uncontrollably. “I just…I can’t believe that…uuuugggghhhhh.”
After a series of what she called “the gay shakes,” Bachmann was able to finally form a coherent sentence. Continue reading
Some say that a cappella at Northwestern is like the TV show Glee. But that can’t be, because the kids on Glee bagged football players and couldn’t drink for shit, which we all know doesn’t hold true for acca-biddies and acca-bros at Northwestern.
Others posit that a cappella at Northwestern is more like Community. Marginally popular–but not enough to get people to care enough to watch every performance–and irrationally beloved among the theater community.
While all these theories and more may be true, it’s clear after the first listen that Brown Sugar‘s latest album Zamaane situates Brown Sugar as the Mad Men of a cappella at NU: Genre-defining, poignant, sexy in all the right places, and best after a glass of scotch or five. Just so long as you ignore the fact that the Mad Men cast is more white-washed than Mitt Romney’s book group and Brown Sugar is, well, the nation’s premiere co-ed South Asian collegiate a cappella group.
Elder Hall: Where dreams are born and a fetus is occasionally conceived.
Hello future heinouses. So housing applications just came out, and you’ve probably been attempting to do research on the dorms at Northwestern. Maybe you ask older friends who go to NU about the dorms, sift through the Residential Life website, or you’ve seen that one article that names Bobb the biggest party dorm in the country (to be honest they probably ranked dorms based on how often and strongly they smell like vomit). So you’re wondering where you’d fit in. Do you want to live North or South? Do you want a big dorm or a small dorm? Do you want to live somewhere that’s actually not a shit hole? Should you live in a dorm with a dining hall? Can you tolerate the smell of vomit on the daily? If you answered “North,” “big,” “yes,” “DUH,” and “not really,” LIVE IN ELDER. Continue reading
By now, you’ve probably heard about something called Dillo Day. My guess is that when you first heard tell of this legendary shitshow, your first thought was “Teehee. That sounds like Dildo.” Well, I’m gearing up for my third Dillo Day, and that same thought still crosses my head every single time it’s mentioned, so you’re in decent shape.
You may still feel a bit confused about Dillo. That’s understandable, because Dillo is sort of like peeing on the Washington Monument; you don’t realize how great it is until you’ve actually done it. But since we’re to
irreversibly corrupt help you, we’re going to do the best we can to tell you about the heavenly glory of Dillo Day. Continue reading
EVANSTON—Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl verified claims this morning that she surrendered her 44-year-old daughter (Kathy E. Tisdahl) to Chicchan, the Mayan rain deity last night “in the heat of the moment.” Tisdahl was spotted in a frog-like squat, crouched on the top of Northwestern’s Rebecca Crowne Clock Tower at twilight. She performed the sacrifice at the stroke of midnight, reportedly in opposition to NU’s upcoming annual Dillo Day festival.
Tisdahl would not confirm reports that she had attempted to sink the Lakefill.
“It was worth it,” Tisdahl declared as a mass of foam discharged from her mouth. “I literally couldn’t think of a better way to spend my night.” Continue reading
Esteemed Student Body,
HAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU GUYS
EVERYONE YOU KNOW IS ON SUMMER BREAK AND YOU CAN’T EVEN DO THE HOMEWORK YOU DON’T WANT TO DO
SUCK MY DICK
SUCK IT SO MANY TIMES
SUCK IT UNTIL YOUR MOUTH HURTS
Hello, incoming member of the class of 2017. How are you? Nervous? Why? Oh! You’re filling out your roommate application, and you’re worried because you have no idea who your roommate, the person who you will see possibly more than any other person next year, will be, or what he/she will be like. You are frightened, hesitant, and confused.
Well, I am here to assure that you should definitely be all of those things. The roommate application is an extremely big deal. The quality of your roommate, your sleeping area comrade, your bedroom buddy, could single-handedly make or break your freshman year, and determine whether that active aggression turns into passive aggression. Let me put it another way: Imagine you are on a game show, and you have to choose to open one of two doors. Behind one door is a normal person. Behind the other door is a large, cross-eyed ogre who will rip your fingernails out, one by one. That is what choosing your roommate is like.
I was actually one of the fortunate ones on this account. Few know it, but my freshman year roommate was in fact the distinguished and (dis)honorable Alabaster Chevrolet. It’s true. We formed a bond almost instantly, and shared many memorable moments: From the time when Alabaster slept for three days straight, to the time we found and killed a small raccoon that had broken in through our window
, to the time when we gave each other tuggies after I learned my hamster died. Continue reading
So you’ve been accepted to Northwestern. Big fucking deal. So was just about everyone who writes for Sherman Ave AND Chet Haze (who may or may not also write for Sherman Ave). You have accomplished nothing of any difficulty and importance, and this school will spend the next four years reminding you of that fact. So now that you have a little perspective, it’s time to get you prepped on everything you’ll need to know to survive the gauntlet of purple and white!
Soon, the Daily Northwestern, NBN, your parents, and dozens of other sources will be filling you in on the best dining halls, the characteristics of the two sides of campus and what the party scene is like. Even The Flipside will take the opportunity to desperately grasp at readership by printing freshman-oriented pieces.
Since old Uncle Samwise can’t do a better job than the rest at giving you everything you’ll need to know, I’ll have to settle for giving everything else you’ll need to know.
NEW YORK– Revelers took the streets worldwide Friday as news broke that Beyoncé is expecting a second child, indicating that Our Queen has indeed engaged in sexual intercourse once again.
Spontaneous celebrations were seen in cities in more than 180 countries, with crowds carrying banners and signs adorned with such slogans as “CONGRATS HOVA,” “TWICE AS NICE,” “BEY HAD SEX! KEG KEG KEG!” and “I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT BEYONCE’S BOOBIES “
This is how u make bey-bees duh.
Those in the crowds said that as soon as they heard the news of B’s second coital, they dropped everything to take to the streets. Continue reading